I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
