i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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