'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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