I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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