everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
i now understand why vodka
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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