guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
