my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
