My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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