I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
