My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
