There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
