You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
