I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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