my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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