Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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