I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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