dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
