so explain again why im purple
no
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
