Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
