i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
