Your dad touched me again.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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