I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
