i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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