I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
