The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I queefed so loud it echoed.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
