I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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