You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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