i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
