Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
