i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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