Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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