So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
