OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
