I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
