when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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