just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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