Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
