Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You know, be my cock's hype man.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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