His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
