but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
