i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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