I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
