I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
