i permit you to call me
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
