My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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