he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
