I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
