I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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