You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
