A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
